TRYING OUTSIDE THE LINES

The best part of learning is just loving where I’m at . . . Keep your dirt on the surface and just love where you’re at. —Allen Stone

Such beauty and soul in this voice, and such truth in those words. But let’s be honest…I’m really not lovin’ where I’m at right now.

To be honest, when looking back, I’m not sure that any journey through the valley has been enjoyable or filled with expectation. It is usually a dark place, more likely to spot confusion and despair and apathy than light or hope. Its common name is the “valley of the shadow of death” for goodness sake.

At this moment for me, it’s the valley of, “I’m not old enough for this shit.” I guess the first 20 years of chronic illness have been relatively kind to my body. Flares have been temporary, I was able to view them as temporary. But lupus is an ever-evolving beast, and at this moment in time, it seems to evolve a little bit more every second of every day.

I’ve never not been able to grip a pen, or stick my feet in my everyday shoes. I’ve not ever been the most restful sleeper, but I’ve not awoken multiple times in the middle of the night from various pains, or gotten up in the morning afraid to move because everything everywhere hurts. I haven’t had mystery hives that lasted for months, or a flare rash that will not go away. I haven’t had to switch my metal jewelry for silicone because my fingers are too swollen to slide my rings over. I haven’t had to sleep in socks so that my feet don’t tingle all night because they’re not being held snugly. Until recently.

And then there are the Eve-centric female issues that I finally have a solution for, but that solution leaves me grieving the loss of everything society has told me it means to be a woman. I am looking forward to the day in a few months when I can trade the pain and bloating and bleeding for the-rest-of-my-life relief, but some part of me wonders if I will still be “me” when all is said and done.

I think this is life. I’m sure this is the cycle of life – peaks and valleys, joys and struggles, easier times and harder ones. I’ve done plenty of hard things before, survived all of my worst days, whatever it was did pass, all of those wonderful sayings. I know this too shall, I know every storm runs out of rain, I know the sunrise in the valley is a wondrously refreshing sight, I know God is faithful and will provide. But my dirt is deeper than the surface, and I’m sure not lovin’ where I’m at.