TRYING OUTSIDE THE LINES

Can we speak for a moment about the sisterhood of womankind? And the criticality of community, doing life together with varied people, but especially those who have gone before and can share a bit of wisdom.

I am almost 40. Three months away from 40. And I think I’ve experienced more unexpected, unplanned, uncomfortable changes in my body in the last nine months than I ever have in life. This trumps early puberty, being diagnosed with lupus, and living through and recovering from an eating disorder.

I’ve gone from arduous, two-week long highly unpredictable periods, to medically induced “menopause,” to having fibroid-filled lady parts removed but functioning ovary still singing. Loud for all to hear.

And I have soaked through two sets of pajamas in one night, and not been able to fall asleep because of pins and needles in my hands and feet. My skin has peeled and is peeling daily, hourly; I’m not really sure how my hands and feet aren’t raw. I have these lovely little red, raised spots that appear in random places across my body, and they itch. Oh, and the hives that pop up in the afternoon/evening hours, are quelled temporarily by antihistamines, only to return in full force the next day. There have been days when my fingers are too swollen to grasp a pen, my elbow too inflamed to bend. My feet that I had to specialty shop for as a child are the complete opposite of narrow and so swollen they really don’t fit in my favorite Toms. If only I could have a solid night’s sleep without dreams that transport me to some place where I have to fight for my life or my sanity.

This afternoon, I met with my rheumatologist to see if we can figure out what is triggering what and how to calm everything down. Which was great; I’ve contacted all of my docs and asked them to come up with a plan because this is not the life I want for the rest of my life. But one thing he said could’ve killed me – I’m of the gender and at that age where health things go haywire, so there aren’t just a few things to check and rule out; there’s a list.

Why don’t we talk about this more with each other? I remember the “first period” video and talk in the library with all the girls where they gave us little gift bags with maxi pads. Not total preparation, but I wasn’t walking into puberty blind.

I knew peri/menopause wouldn’t be the easiest period of life; Blanche Devereaux and many others have called this period of womanhood “the curse.” But I wasn’t quite prepared for this. This time, I feel like I’m searching in the dark because of the breadth of my symptoms. The internet is a wonderful thing, but apparently this madness isn’t in my family history. So where am I supposed to go for advice, to vent, to cool off?

Empowered women empower women. It’s a great saying. But can we be available for each other and support each other through all of the things? Not just professional, but personal too? Before I felt heard, I felt mostly crazy. I don’t want another sister to feel that way. Too many women have felt this way throughout the history of women’s medicine, and it’s time we took ourselves seriously, and make others do the same. Sometimes we need each other in the “business we keep at home.”

I have been seen and heard today, and hope for relief soon. So, I’m here now to hear you, sis.