TRYING OUTSIDE THE LINES

Once again, Star Trek has me waxing poetic about the ordinary, or extraordinary, love we share with those in our lives, how grateful I am for the loves of my life, and how important it is to tell them you love them.

Last night, my fiancé and I were watching the last episode of the first season of Picard. All I’ll say is that it brought me to tears in the end. Not only because of the fate of some of these characters I’ve fallen in love with in the way that I can, but also because the power of their love for each other was visible, palpable. Between those who’d served together for years, and between those who’d met recently but understood the humanity of community and the gracious gift that is friends or family or crew or just people who have your back.

When I was in treatment many moons ago, I started associating lines in songs with people I’d met there.

There’s a line in Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud that says
People fall in love in mysterious ways/Maybe it’s all part of a plan

I met my brother, John, in IOP, and I always pinned this song with him. And his lyric was
“When my hair’s all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don’t remember my name
When my hands don’t play the strings the same way,
I know you will still love me the same“

All of these years later, I am not sure what held us together, maybe besides it being part of some master plan that neither of us knew we were players in. One unique “I see you” in group led to a little over a year of time together. John was my bubba and protector: he came to pick up my XACTO knife when I was worried I might self harm, no questions asked. He was my standing Sunday afternoon check-in/hang out. I hoped he’d be my platonic movie date forever. So fun to go to movies with him and listen to him gush over his celebrity crushes and simultaneously break down the deeper meanings he picked up on. He was such a good friend. And this line held me to him because I knew somewhere in my heart that no matter how each of our lives changed, we would still love and be there for each other.

When John passed away, I was heartbroken. Still am, if I think about it. But I remember two different people at his funeral telling me they were certain he loved me and knew how much I loved him. One our mutual friend, Sandy; the other, a staple in his life I’d never met. It’s still crazy now to think that she only knew of me through what he’d said and the grand conclusion of that was that he loved me.

Maybe it is all part of a plan. Or maybe it’s just part of doing life together on this little blue planet. Either way, seeing love, being loved, receiving and giving love are such incredible gifts. It’s so funny that we love in the ways we can, and we say it in the ways we can. And even though it’s not always the statement, “I love you,” shared, that doesn’t make it any less lovely or love. Sometimes the love found right where we are is the one we didn’t know we needed, but look back and can’t imagine living without it.

I love you, all of you who found love with me right here, where we are. And I miss you, bubba.